“‘Twas the night before Christmas in my atheist house” by Mark Cunningham
‘Twas the night before Christmas in my atheist house,
And nothing was stirring but my laptop mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
And were filled with books by Dawkins that I wanted to share.
My daughters were listening to Carl Sagan in bed,
While visions of his Cosmos danced in their head.
And mamma reading Hitchens and me with Kaku,
Had just settled down with a warm winter brew.
When from outside my window there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow,
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
Four men in a Honda spreading terror and fear.
With a little old lady driver, so glum and so solemn,
I knew in a moment that they must be the Mormons.
More rapid than Jehovahs the Mormons they came,
With the little old lady stood shouting their names.
Now Stephen, now Peter, now Ryan and Glen,
Start spreading the word of our saviour, Amen.
So up to the neighbourhood houses they ran,
With armfuls of bibles with which to save man.
And then in a twinkling I heard at my door,
A knocking and banging like never before.
As I drew in my head and was turning around,
At the door stood the old lady and in she came with a bound.
She was dressed all in black from her head to her feet,
With her hair in a bun all tied up and neat.
A bundle of pamphlets she had in her hand,
To spread the “good” word across this great land.
Now hark unto me you heathens she cried,
I know your life has no meaning and you’re empty inside.
But if you listen to me and accept the word of the lord,
One day you’ll reach heaven, sit by his side, be adored.
But if you reject him, for sure I can tell,
You’ll be down there with Satan, burning in hell.
Now this was too much for my family to take,
So I rolled up my sleeves and Hitchslapped the old snake.
With reason and logic I smacked down her case,
And with facts and the truth put her in her place.
Try as she might her words couldn’t compete,
With the reasoned argument I used against her deceit.
So back through the door the old lady was sent,
Calling the others to her said as she went.
But I called after them as they drove out of sight,
“Happy Christmas to all, on this true pagan night”
Written and posted on Facebook by my friend Mark Cunningham